Young Parents

Not one to like labels much the title "teenage mother" makes me shiver. Not so many years ago women became women when their monthly cycles began. This means that a woman is of child bearing years. It is in modernized society that we label these pregnancies. That label will follow someone through their life if they allow it too.
I was 15 when I discovered I was pregnant. Having only the knowledge that my child like mind was able to take in...I wrongly figured somehow Pregnancy came with marriage. "We will talk about it when you get married".
I always knew I wanted children but in the eighties it was a time for women to consider career first then the family. I had my life planned and pregnancy was not on the schedule until 32. One choice changed that path and a life I had not anticipated began.
I was not raised in a dysfunctional family. I will not pass "blame" on my parents for my choice to try "adult" things at an age when my body was screaming maturity but my socialized mind knew nothing. I could go on about the financial hardships that come along with a family before financial responsibility but most who are teen age parents probably are figuring this one out on their own.
I could cry about the loss of my child hood and the amount of people hurt, including myself, because I was making "mature" decisions that I only thought I knew anything about. Throwing a pity party would not help nor would it teach my now grown children the morals I have been trying to teach them for almost 22 years.
Life is hard; I will not deny that, it is even harder when you are trying to grow up before society and your brain are ready for that growth. I am now raising a second family, my dream of starting a family at 32 is a reality now. I now see the things I would not hear before. I won’t ramble on about as it would not help anyone that is human and young.
I will say that now my "teen pregnancy" has grown up. He has problems dealing with some things in this world mostly due to the upbringing he had. When parents fight, for what ever reason, their children over hear things. They may not react at the time but eventually a time will come in their own lives and they will draw that experience up and handle their own situation similar, whether they liked it or hated it when witnessing it as a child.
These are the things that teen age parents do not know. As young people we feel there is "always tomorrow" to fix a mistake. We do not even realize how fast that "mistake" will grow. Nor how much of their behaviors are patterned after their parents. It did not matter to me when people would talk about how I should parent an extremely hyper young man. I usually did not listen as he was my son and I knew everything about him.
Now I know different. Here is what I know. As young parents "fairness" is still a big issue in our adolescent mind. That "fairness" is mainly self centered. When we have children we tend to treat them as if they are an appendage of ourselves that can be removed from our bodies. All parents need to realize, but young parents have a harder time of it, that children are just "adults in training". Whether you conceive a child at 13 or 32 the responsibilities are still the same. Difference is that at 32 you can see that the whole picture consists of much more than food, clothes, money, and a lack of social life and sleep. At 32 you can see the psychological effects a life style has on a developing child.
I was lucky enough, after a bout of cancer or two, to conceive a fourth and fifth child. At the time my "teen pregnancies" were 18, 16, and 11. Given a second chance to attempt to "fix" the first round of mistakes that I made, I am hoping that the older ones will watch an observe and note the differences. I am hoping that they will learn, along with me, how a "functional family" works. They will see that abuse and negative energy ruin the love a family should share no matter what their financial status.
This time around I will not allow my child to go to "a kid in the class'" birthday party. If my child is not a close friend of the birthday person, they should not be going to the party. It does a child good to feel the lack of fairness in this world, to deal with those emotions while they are still learning how to handle life. A time when a parent can show them ways to deal with "being left out", instead of insisting that "Timmy get to go to.".
This time around, when my spouse and I have "issues" we take it away from the kids if it is going to heat up, not something I worry about in this marriage. I talk to my spouse about how we will handle situations I already know will arise from previous experience. We find a plan and are prepared instead of side balled by the young child insisting on getting her way through mean words and violence.
I now know that things happen. How we handle them is why they happen to teach us to find positive things from the negative. It is always positive to learn from a bad choice. There are so many more topics I could move into about the life of a teen age mom, but it is more important to think about the life of the off spring of that teen age mom.
I did not do my son justice. He was loved, clothed, and fed. I did all the "mom" things I knew how. What I did not know then was that MY behavior (and their fathers) was the MOST educational opportunity I had to offer my child. I blew it by making excuses for bad behavior as I tried to teach them good behavior. What I taught them was to make excuses. I blew it by assuming that "family" being together was more important than my child's trust and safety needs. Sometimes it is better for the child to cope with divorce if one parent is setting a good example. It is ideal if both do, but this rarely happens I am told.
If two adults can not communicate appropriately their children notice. These same children hear the "respect" speech regularly (or they should anyway). If they do not see their parents "practicing what they preach" they lose respect. Wouldn't you? If these children see parents communicating even if the parents do not agree, they will learn to communicate and disagree. That it is okay to NOT agree.
Lessons that as young people we usually have not learned to use. Lessons that tend to be forgotten when the baby has been crying all day, there is no money, milk is sour, and one of the two "adults" does not pull their load. My sons did not deserve to be a part of my growing up process. They did not ask to be put in that position. So it was and is still my job to try and set a good example, even though they are grown.
I have talked often with my "teen pregnancy" about life and the issues we all face. He too made the choices that lead him to be a father at young age. He is making the same "mistakes" I did. Children shall be punished for their parent’s sins. (I promise this is one of the worst consequences I have ever had to deal with.)